Just when you think everything is a-ok.
When you think you have a plan and are free and fine and moving forward.
You smack into concrete wall. And you have no idea how to move around it.
I'm feeling decision paralysis. I'm feeling ready to create and collaborate but I have no idea how or when or what or with who.
Is this the stuff that I need to be meditating on? Writing about? Is this the information the universe needs from me right now in order to get to where I am going?
Since I have no fucking clue.
And since time is only passing more quickly.
I can't help but focus on all the superficial culturally-imposed bullshit as of late. I'm 34. Single. With a sub-par dating history. Trying to be out. Trying to build a life for myself. Trying to become financially strong. Trying to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and not really succeeding in any of those areas.
Yeah, I am being hard on myself. I can see my victories. I can count all of the ways in which I am so full of gratitude. All of the amazing relationships I have. All that I have seen and done in the ALMOST 3 years since I had to leave NYC.
But I want to be further. I want more. I want to heal the parts of me that feel unworthy. I want to have a job that I am learning from and growing with. I want a reason to get out of bed in the morning beyond my own self-preservation and need to pay bills. I want to be contributing in some way. To be creating something that matters to me and therefore other humans.
I want to feel worthy of love. Of attention. Of acceptance. I want to be brave enough to speak up. To act out. I don't want to live from a place of fear. Of what if. And I know I am making progress. But I am way more fucked up than I really thought. I have more scar tissue than I am prepared to work through.
I can't breathe here.
And yet, wherever you go, there you are.
I know a new city won't solve all of my problems. Hell maybe it will only imprint me further. Maybe it will only solidify the parts of me I am so desperately trying to evolve.
Can I live the rest of my life like this?
With so much love, pain, heartache, doubt?
It feels so lame.
I know I am more than this. I just have to figure out what that means and how to get there.
Wherever that may be.
I feel as if I know nothing...
But I know I can't stay.
Timing is E V E R Y T H I N G.
I often have superficial conversations and experiences with my self (what I consider my soul or my truth, call it what you'd like). I think at this point in my life I have a handle on my intuition, my heart, my head. and how to tell their voices apart. This evening I was reminded of a deeper truth, of my deepest darkness and my brightest light, and of how I need to not only engage these knowings more often, but in different ways. I was also reminded that I need to not hide from this version of my self. That she is real and ever-present, And she isn't going anywhere. She is here to stay. Not something to work on (read: to fix). Not something to convert or cover. But a strong protagonist who thrives when she is seen and heard.
Fall. Right there. At my feet. Humble and wanting my acceptance.
When is enough, enough?
When your breath catches in your chest, grabbing at your rib-cage.
When everything falls into the background and your hearing fades.
When your vision blurs and nausea wells up from a place deeper than your stomach.
I had to get out. I had to accept (what I reactively call) defeat. I grabbed my water bottle, my towel, and let my instructor know I was "ok" with conviction in my eyes.
I went out into the cold, still dripping with sweat and paused.
I get it. I need to stop. To slow down. To accept. Fine. I'll only exercise once a day. I'll try to relax. I'll drink more tea...
Summer is over. Rugby done. Marathon complete. Work postponed. Gray skies. Northern winds. Snow dusting the skyline.
Why do I feel so sad? Why am I resisting? What is it that I am holding on to?
"What will happen if you stop?" I asked myself once again as I stepped into the shower at the yoga studio, trembling, defeated, foreign in my own body and mind.
"I won't matter."
And I let the tears fall. I felt that pain deeper than I have felt anything (sober) in quite some time. To know that a part of me still feels that worthless, that invisible, That awful feeling of being a burden, an obligation. Of being not wanted. Of having zero value or purpose. Of feeling the need to apologize for existing.
After all this time. All this growth. All of the big experiences that have pulled me up and out from that long ago often forgotten place. I can think of all of the people who love me unconditionally. And yet the wounds that survive etched as beliefs remain intact.
There is always potential for more healing. More work. Rewiring. But most importantly I am finding there is really only more acceptance. More relaxing. More release. More love.
Summer is over. The season of heat, of pushing, of going. She needs to be put to rest. I am grieving for so much and I don't know why.
The first day of Fall. Of completion. Of recognition. The in-between. The equality of light and dark. The opposition to April, to spring, to growth. I've written about April before and how it is historically a very eventful time for me. As I sat on the steps staring at my glitter toes among the fallen leaves I counted the months on my fingers and smiled to myself.
Autumn is grieving. It is release. It is letting go. Lots of beautiful little deaths surround us. Moments and memories that will fertilize tomorrows to come.
The Fall Equinox Celebration that followed class was full of positivity, honesty, sound, energy, (and so much more) came at the exact moment I needed it to. I was transported from tears and insecurity and embarrassment to joy, openness, and love. I was reminded of who I am and what I need. I was reminded that I am so much more than a physical body taking up physical space, judged solely on what this physical body can do and how it appears. I was called to return to a place of care-giving, of creativity, of a search for deeper knowing, deeper connection, and deeper growth. I am compelled to be more selfish, more cautious, and more present with my self.
I don't believe I (or those like me) feel too much. I believe that has negative connotation. I believe we are gifted to feel it all and to feel it all deeply. I don't believe our minds are over-active, but that they are stimulated by it all, things neither seen nor heard. I don't believe we are overly sensitive, but that we are enlightened, evolved to move through this world in a way that is heavy, but beautiful.
And with that, I choose myself tonight. To go to bed. To not go out. To not be tempted. To deny FOMO. To not allow others to hurt my feelings. To not always be who I think they want me to be. To not ignore my own needs and wants out of fear of disappointing someone else. Out of fear of not being liked, or loved, or wanted.
I need to not hide. I need not play nice or safe or small. I need only to take care of who I am and what I need in this moment.
And I want nothing but the same for you.
To love, in both the light, and in the darkness.
P.S. I also started my period today which seemed cool when I realized the timing of it. More shedding, more release. Synchronicity is pretty damn awesome.
Those moments that let you know it will be ok.
Those moments when your soul doesn't feel so foreign in its skin.
Call it a breakthrough if you will.
This video was filmed one month into my Yellowstone adventure (May 10th, 2016)
I need one such moment now. I need reassurance from the Universe that I should stay in Jackson. The serious cold, the deep darkness, the long work hours, the lack of nature and activity all have me seriously down. I need to know there is more for me here. That it will be worth it. That this is the build up. The discomfort, The initial cost for the later reward.
Will the process ever not involve this discomfort? This fear? This loneliness? Will it ever just feel right from the get-go? Will I ever arrive somewhere or feel at peace? At home? Do I really belong anywhere with someone? I want that.
I need that sign now. I need that voice, that moment, that resounding YES. I need to feel it. I need a messenger.
I'm so tired of feeling lost, unsure, alone. I'm so sick of feeling like I am not in-control. That this divorce will forever color me, even though I try to forgive, forget, distance myself and not label myself.
This can't be it. This can't be my life on my own, This can't be my Phoenix process. I hate to say it, because it is lame, but I feel sorry for myself. I never play the victim, I own everything that has happened. But you know what?. It is still shitty. I do feel like time and time again I do get dealt a shit hand. And I'm tired of trusting it. Of believing in it. Of being patient and trusting the Universe and smiling at the shit.
I am so tired of riding these waves. I was happy at the end of Yellowstone. Love found me again. And left me again. Why am I so easy to let go of?.
And once again I am here. How do I get back to these places? All I want to do is drink. But I have to break the habits. I have to move on. I need to move on. I feel so crazy. So inept. So broken and useless and lost. Do I just give in? No. That doesn't work either. Such a momentary escape.A bullshit, lazy, easy coping mechanism. I know I am better than that. I have to be. I want to be.
I need to stay strong. I need to break the cycles. I need to focus on me and what I want and how to get it.
I need to not believe the demons. The dark mean thoughts that resound in my head.
How can one person feel so much sadness and pain and rejection and remorse? How can one person cry so much?
I am so blessed and grateful in so many ways yet I am tortured and torn throughout my day, throughout my life. At 32 I am no more sure or secure that when I was 12. WTF.
Why is this my normal? Is there a solution? Is it going vegan again? Sitting on a mountain with a wiseman? Therapy?
I can't keep walking through life this way.
Wise advice from a friend. Do we always know what is "best" or "right" for ourselves?
I don't think so.
That's where your soulmates come into play. Where you trust your nearest and dearest because your head and your heart are drowning out your gut.
This was filmed on September 15th - 5 months in and 1 month left to go in my Yellowstone adventure...
The idea of needing to first "get lost" before you can "find" yourself.
And yes, I should have paused to get tissues. But I keep it real.
The power of vlogging as therapy for me is really real in this post.
"When one is loved, she can create better. There is more passion. More beautiful thoughts" - Ana Roš
I managed to stay in the last two nights. I've only had one glass of wine in 48 hours. I slept alone. I took a long bath with salts and oils. I read my library book. I binged on Chef's Table. And I have my glow back.
I was looking and feeling my age. My continued heartache. My inability to love myself. It was all on my face. But today, I chose love. I chose not to run. I chose to embrace this beautiful mess of a person I am, in every moment. To give her compassion. To care for her body and soul. To hold her in ways she truly needs to be held. To remind her of all of her facets. And to simply accept her for all that she has been and will be.
I have the hardest time just "being". Going to bed sober means the tears come. The longing pushes at my ribs. It is all too real and hurts too much.The weight of it all suffocates me.
I know I need exercise. Weeks without it are taking a serious toll on my mind and body. Today we are changing that.
I grapple with the ideas of acceptance and living how I am and being present and free and a party animal. It feels good so why not? I am a social, outgoing, active, playful soul...
Yet those temporary moments of fun also get in the way with my bigger goals, my bigger self, my greater value and purpose.
I think I think too much, And I feel oh so much.
So the ongoing theme is how to do less of that, or at lease distance myself from all that while staying true to my truest self?
Or do I simply say "fuck it" and live with less judgement, less fear, less disappoinment?
How do I get out of my own way day to day to live that bigger life I know I can have and deserve?
And how do I let go of those who hold me back? Forgiveness, acceptance, love... they are great ideas but to actually put them in practice is an exhausting ebb and flow, that in my opinion, occassionally needs tequila and a dance party. And lots and lots of laughter.
The past loves, or lack of love I have experienced continues to eat me alive. How do I know I am worthy with all of the rejection, the refusals to include me, or by those who only want me in superficial ways? How do I love myself wholy without needing it from outside sources?
the process of processing.
how do you use your life to empower you?
to hold you back?
to hide you?
or to show too much of you?
is there such a thing?
I'd say "no" as long as you feel empowered and authentic and safe.
what stage are you in?
and is it time to move on to the next?
all worth looking dead in the eyes and acknowledging.
not judging, or fearing, or making up rehearsed excuses for...
you've got this. i support you. and so does the universe.
And it also happened to be a full moon. A time to act in accordance with how you want things to be.
Timing. Manifesting. Brave action.
That is how you become the architect of your life.
Sometimes you need to turn on the lights to scare away the monsters
So much sadness
I let it come, because I know it will pass. I know the wounds are deep and fresh and sometimes they just pour open
So I try to comfort that sad heartbroken rejected lost fearful little girl
We pray together
I had to get up
I blew my nose and went to the window and the snow and the view and said, "this is what you wanted."
And then I changed my diva cup and put on more eye cream because life is real
And I turned my light on to scare away the monsters
To try laying on my left side
To breathing deeply and allowing the moment to be, without blaming it on anything but exsistance, experience
I have dealt with this on and off again with varying degrees of intensitty since moving out 17 months ago. DAMN.
Last summer it meant staying out late and drinking to avoid going home to a bed, an apartment, a sistuation that wasn't mine, that wasn't ours. It was how I was protesting but also practicing the new found independence I didn't necessarily want or ask for. .
In Yellowstone it was too much to be completely alone. It gave me such anxiety and discomfort in the beginning. I avoided my dorm room at all costs. And alcohol was the way to not go to sleep alone.
From August to October I found love and didn't have to sleep alone. I truly felt at peace with so much - my self, my past, my future, and the immense gift of the present.
And now... I'm in that place of new territory, of lonliness... the past and its comforts show up at bedtime to haunt me.
I don't want to need drink to disapear.. I don't want to need another person beside me.
I downlowded Netlix to keep me company... which for some reason doesn't help.
So today, library. I need books to get lost in, versus my heart, my mind.
And I need to try to talk to the monsters. To see why they can't sleep with me. Why we can't be friends. Why they can't leave me after all this time...
You are allowed
You are allowed to hibernate
You are allowed to skip the small talk
You are allowed to feel exactly how are you are in this moment,
reguardless of what logic or reason is telling you
You are allowed to take a break from smiling, from wearing the rose colored glasses
You are allowed to want to scream simply for being here and now
Becasue that is the beautiful gift of being a woman
Of owning your experience
Of owning your deep connection to this world, this cosmos
You are allowed to live without excuses and explanations and labels
You are allowed to recreate your stroy at anytime and release naratives that no longer serve you (or worse, sell you short)
You are allowed to create space and decide "to be continued"
You are allowed to live without judment, but be moved by inspiration
You are allowed to cheer for yourself, for when you do well, shine out joy, live your truth, you give fellow women warriors permission to do the same.
What have you been denying yourself?
What do you need to give permission to say "yes" to?
Or say "no" to?
Permission is granted.